I am again in this rut of depression-ish. I feel really awful writing this but I seriously am lacking the joy of stuff right now. That sounds really bad but I seriously am just bumming…a lot. I’m just feeling really awful about everything. I am upset that this happened to me (the head thing), and I’m upset that it ruined my summer. I was playing soccer, softball, running and doing strength in motion and now I’m doing nothing. I go to work and then I come home and go to the gym for an hour ish- because I still am not allowed to push too hard.
I just don’t understand why this happened to me- I love sports, I love playing and I love being busy. I love pushing myself to the limit and testing things. But no. every freaking day. I’ve woken up with a head ache.
Yup- that is 23 days in a row now of a head ache, pretty much the entire day. And if it goes away for half an hour, it typically comes back worst. I feel cranky and I feel anxious.
I used to have “exercise guilt” hard core- where if I didn’t do x y and z during my work out it was a failure. Well right now, being able to just do x and not y or z makes the guilt even worst.
I feel lazy and I feel bleah.
I’ve had things I love taken away from me- I’d much rather it have been my choice.
I’m trying to find the positives in life- things besides sports stuff- but then my family keeps getting craped on some more. Idk if this too much personal ish for a public blog that I know many people read in “real life” but whatever- my brothers and his gf are having issues, my mother is having some health problems, moneys tight, my mom lost her job (she works in the city schools here and they are making cuts everywhere) yadda yaaddda yaddda it just keeps going on. Even more tmi I finally have feelings for a guy- like seriously not just “oh well i mean i’d consider going on a date” I mean I SERIOUUSLY like this guy- and oh yup of course things are complicated with that.
I’m sorry I am just nagging and being a debbie downer- but this is my honest to God feelings right now. And it’s become really hard to blog, because most posts I want to start with
“well fuggin a i still have a head ache and blahs going wrong today, and this is happening to so and so”.
so instead I just refrain from blogging at all and I just creep on you guys silently. (Which by the way you all are obviously being fabulous and doing wonderful things)
So I guess all in all what I’m getting at is- I hate that all this is happening right now to me- and I know I sound like “me, me, me” and “lifes not as bad as it could be” but right now- I’m just bumming. And I don’t know if that too is a symptom of my post concussion syndrome or what but it is what it is.
How can I find some positives? When is it time to see things looking up?