~~ Feel free to skip this post- It is for my own benefit and sanity.
Today- right now- this post is going to be my truth. I feel like I almost half truth my life on this blog, or maybe it’s just my personality in general because typically even in real life, people can’t see when I’m upset, mad, or frusterated with myself. I tend to put on a happy smile and hide what’s really bothering me.
As I briefly mentioned, I’ve gained weight. It happened almost immediately after I reached my goal weight. Which scares the living crap out of me. I worked ridiculously hard for the past year and a half, and all summer up until November when I reached goal I devoted every aspect of my life to losing the weight- to reaching goal. I went to the gym twice a day, and from Aug- Oct I had soccer on top of it. I followed Weight Watchers to a tee (this was the “old” weight watchers). I was exhausted though. Emotionally and physically. I ended up straining the tendons in my left foot and it side lined me from running for a couple weeks. My first semester here I literally would wake up, go to classes, work out, go to practice, come home and sleep. Sunday- Sunday. I avoided all social situations and didn’t meet anything new here. I would make up excuses to my friends that I did have here and I only hung out with my family or my brother and his girl friend when they came up.
I think what happened to me after I reached goal was a couple things. For starters I think I got soft. Maybe this was a good thing? Because I have seemed to be a little less stressed? But on the flip side- I’m completely unhappy with my body again. I feel out of control with my weight and my eating. I’ve developed this habit where I eat until I’m full, not eating bad things but I’ll seriously eat veggies until I’m stuffed or something. I don’t know why I do it because the second I’m full I feel awful and fat and bloated. I’ve also started binging again. It started when I went home at Christmas. I would restrict myself so bad during the day with all the treats and holiday meals around that at night after a great day of not going over my points, I would end it by going over my points, “rewarding” myself with some treats that were all around my house. I lost control. I haven’t gained my control back and I’m freaking out.
Everyone is saying the weight gain is from the marathon training. But thats impossible. More calories burned than eaten should equal weight loss, or maintaining. NOT GAINING. Besides- I know how I’ve eaten wrong, and I know I’m not working out the same. I have stopped doing my push ups, abs, lunges and squats. I have focused just on running and I think that that might have been detrimental to this whole thing.
However, I can’t do anything right now. I can’t do anything until after Sunday. And don’t get me wrong I’m super excited and pumped for Sunday and I know I’ve trained hard, but I just can’t help but feel a bit sad and disappoint in myself. What took me 5 months to take off- I put on within a month. I feel completely helpless right now- but 3 days away and I am getting my butt back into gear. I weighed myself at the gym today and I saw another high number- granted I have my period right now, I know that adds some poundage. However- it was still awful.
So I’m listing my goals. I’m taking it by baby steps again and I’m regaining control and I honestly think the only way for me to do this is to be obsessive again. My mom and friends say I look great and all but I’m sorry I did not lose all this weight to only be OK with my body. Hell- lets be honest right now I’m not even okay with my body. I look in the mirror and I see my weight gain, I feel my weight gain and I feel uncomfortable in the clothes I’m wearing. I’m doing all the things I did when I was fatter, I’m wearing baggy shirts, sweatshirts all the time. Ugh. Not okay- I don’t want to cycle back. I CANT. I will regain control.
Mini goal 1. by March 29th (my birthday — WOOO) I want to be in the 130s again.
mini goal 2. by may I want to be at most 130.