The tell all

This past summer I started struggling with thoughts of anorexia I even joined this ridiculous website called prettythin, it is actually how I found out about tumblr because some of the girls there have thinspo blogs here. Then this past fall I even had moments of weakness where I tried to purge. There I said it. I’m not perfect. I will DEFINITELY admit to that. I notice these signs of weakness and seem them as me trying to get out of working hard for an easy pay off-hence why these things never stuck with me. Since I reached goal weight I had steadily gained about 6 or 7 pounds now. Looking at this weight gain I immediately placed negative blame upon myself and target the weight gain to binge eating. It isn’t binge eating of 3000 calories but it has been enough and multiple days in a row to consider it a problem. I want to be able to target the sugar cravings and be able to conquer this. I also have a new problem where I try to restrict my weight watcher points, where I make sure I leave like 10 left in the day. WHICH I CANT DO. I have been thinking about this greatly and I want to start doing a number of things differently in respect to my body. I have come a long way and I’m not about to treat the body that has stuck through hard times poorly. I have a marathon coming up and right now I need my body and mind to be strong and support me.

For starters I am only going to step on the scale once a week and that will be at Weight Watchers (or when I’m at school when I consider it my “weigh in day”). I place way too much on the number on the scale. I should not dictate my day and food around what I weigh when I wake up. I ignore the fact that I am gaining muscle and that my weight will fluctuate daily due to hormones, foods, water weight- everything.

Second, I am going to try and listen to my body and eat when it tells me too, not a standard 3 times a day. I “save” my points for meals when in reality I should be spreading them across the day, eating when I need to. Meaning- I need to eat slower, listen to when I am no longer hungry and stop before becoming too full. Also I need to incorporate mini meals. I have been eating only 3 meals and “saving” my points for the next meal, this then makes me ravenous by the next meal and I am starving for it and then once I eat it I am either eating and still hungry afterwards or I am eating until I am full. By eating mini meals through out the day I think it will give myself a sense of balance and help me stop with the mindset of finishing everything on my plate/ eating until full.

Third, I need to appreciate my body. I need to not be so hard on myself. I look a thousand times better than I ever have in my life. I need to embrace the fact that I have worked hard for a year and a half to get here. I need to reflect back and give myself props for how far I’ve come. Tomorrow I am running 15 miles. 15 miles. Lemme say it again 15 miles. Never, ever, ever EVER in my life even 3 months ago could I have said that I would be able to do that. I need to take the time and give one huge ass THANK YOU to my legs. THANK YOU LEGS FOR CARRYING ME AND GIVING ME STRENGTH. Legit though. Even if I don’t like the way my stomach, thighs or butt may look I need to stop the negative feelings and attitudes towards my body. Negative talk never made anyone feel good or accomplish anything. I am at a point in my life right now with my body which is very similar to how I felt when I was 200+lbs. I view my body as flawed and unattractive. This has always been a problem of mine, thus resulting in my lack of relationships with men. If I can’t respect myself and love myself, what makes me think anyone else could love me?

This is why I need to start loving myself if I want to be happy.

I read this girl Caitlin’s (sketchy I know same name) blog (http://operationbeautiful.com/) and (http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/). Her views on life and her whole “operation beautiful” has truly inspired me to start living this better life. I understand these thoughts I have and the way I view my body/ life will take time, but these are the steps I need to take in order to be happier. 2011 for me will be about happiness and trying new things. I’m trying to better my life- because honestly with all the troubles in the world we never know when our time is up, and I want to be able to say I did it all the best I could.

-Cait

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “The tell all

  1. I really like these goals. I somehow meandered along your blog through facebook (please don’t think I’m too creepy).

    Anywho-I can totally relate and it’s nice to find someone who enjoys running as much as I do. I really cannot wait to get back into it-swimming has just dragged on too long this season.

    • hahah i don’t think that’s creepy at all because i totally creepishly friended you on facebook hahaha. I just peeped your blog and honestly you remind me a ton of this other blogger i read (http://www.hungryrunnergirl.com/) you should totally check her out. i can’t imagine doing swimming that season is so longggg. i played soccer this year and i was jonesin’ to run for most of the season it was pretty ridiculous hahah. plus i dont now if i’d be able to be up in potsdam for most of the winter…

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